As we enter series 11 of the crappiest series ever produced it becomes immediately apparent that despite the terrible reviews, falling viewing figures and utterly unbelievable storylines the producers (Westminster Productions headed by Cummings) have no plans to call an end to the dismal drama of 2020.
Series one started off well enough, if a little slowly. The outbreak of a virus in Wuhan seemed like it would be one of those filler stories as Australian wildfires, the possibility of world war three and the death of Kobe Bryant dominated.
Series two was equally as slow, focusing on a few individual cases of Corona Virus (back when we weren’t all experts and so didn’t refer to it as Covid-19). Boris was still a comedy character and Brexit threatened to be the focus of the next few series. Matt Hancock was still an extra at this stage and if we are all honest the casting directors probably should have kept him there because he has about as much stage presence as a mop.
Series three was where the drama really picked up, and looking back series 3-5 were probably the peak for this show. The Govenment held a Cobra meeting or two (when BoJo could be bothered to atend), bringing Boris, Rishi and Hancock in as major characters for the first time. The start of this series was a bit slow and not that much happened other than it becoming apparent that a disturbing number of people apparently did not know how to wash their hands, but the last couple of episodes were jammed packed with people panic buying toilet roll, pasta and Spam (because we all like spam right). Boris, Rishi and Hancock start to hold daily briefings, which become mandatory watching for everyone. We were told to work from home if we can, hinting for the first time that series 4 would massively focus on class and the vast gap between different sections of our society. Pubs and clubs and gyms and non essential shops are told to close, Rishi becomes the most popular character with his announcement of the Furlough scheme, Boris announced a National Lockdown and and we ended of a cliff hanger as Boris tested positive to Covid (Hancock did too but no one actually cared what happened to this character). Whilst all this is going on Cummings drove 250 miles to Durham whilst he should have been isolating, setting up one of the key storylines for series 5.
Series 4 was widely hailed as the most popular series in this drama. The weather was good, lots of people enjoyed being at home but a major theme was explored as we examined that (strangely shockingly for some unknown reason) massive social chasm between the people who could work from home, fully paid with family in nice houses with big gardens an those who didn’t have outdoor space, were no longer getting paid or lived alone and were socially isolated. Obviously most of the Tory voters fell into the former camp so this situation was largely deemed acceptable. Zoom becomes a ‘thing’, Boris ends up in hospital with the ‘Rona increasing his popularity as a character, the Queen made a cameo appearance just to ram home exactly how serious the situation is, Priti Patel fucks up her daily briefing appearance, a 99 year old war veteran is forced to complete 100 laps of his garden to fund the NHS, which the Government seem to hijack and praise rather than feeling even mildly bad that we require this sort of fundraising to buy ventilators and PPE. DIY becomes the new national hobby, followed a close second by day drinking at home. We all learn that old British pastime of queuing and find a love for standing outside and clapping at 8pm on a Wednesday.
Series 5 focused on the idea of testing and how bad the Government were at it. Boris made himself less available for filming in this series and so Hancock had to take a bigger role, which was unfortunate due to him having the charisma of a bus, but due to there being not much on to watch as all soaps had had to stop filming and were running out of episodes we largely stuck with him and kept tuning in for the daily briefings. When Boris did return to our screens it was to confuse the fuck out of the British Public telling us to go to work but stay at home and the slogan Stay Alert was introduced. Sadly the thing most people were now being alerted to was how inept the Tory party actually are. A highlight of series 5 was Cummings trip to test his eyesight at Barnard Castle from series 3 came to light, he was given a pretty hard time when you consider he clearly had a sight problem having mistaken a castle for the local branch of Specsavers.
Series 6 saw Black Lives Matters protests, shops reopening, that twit Hancock being seen not socially distancing in more do as I say not as I do behaviour, daily briefings stopped towards the end of the series and would be held only when something interesting happened, lots of people go to the seaside. Leicester gets locked down again.
Series 7 was a more light hearted series. Pubs reopened, people could get their hair cut again, later gyms also reopened, we suddenly decide that after all this time face masks might be useful, Manchester gets put into local lockdown and the Government then swiftly forget they’ve done it, because the cabinet aren’t really sure where the North is, so they stay in lockdown for the next few series. The frustration of a city at being left in a limbo is painted by the media as feckless northerners ignoring rules and causing a second wave because newspapers tend to prefer the south.
Series 8 saw Eat Out To help Out, which obviously definitely did not in any way at all contribute towards a rise in cases. No when the public were told to go out and spend money to boost the economy what they meant was go out spend money but stay in at the same time so really all the second wave shizzle is our fault. Do not blame Rishi ok.
Series 9 was where people started to become disenchanted with the series. Many felt that money and the economy was taking precedent over people’s health whilst many areas of the economy were feeling the opposite and that they were taking the brunt of the damage when the evidence that they contributed an extensive number of cases was low. Kids went back to school, universities told students to come to campus then locked them up and we all acted shocked that there now seemed to be more cases. It was discovered that Covid actually only gets you after 10pm so pubs were given a 10pm curfew. You also can’t get Covid in a group of 6 of less
Series 10 was utter shite let’s be honest. Boris bought in Tiers, which made no sense whatsoever. Liverpool and Manchester became the first cities to experience Tier 3, obviously the fact that they are two cities which are Labour strong holds and so the Torys have no interest in appealing to voters had nothing to do with this. The fact Boris forgot that Manchester had been in lockdown since July was also obviously not indicative of his disdain for the North. There was much debate about whether gyms should remain open and Manchester considered it’s own war of independence with new character Andy Burnham being crowned King of the North (some critics argue that it’s here with 2020 looking more like GOT that the drama starts to get a bit ridiculous). Anyway it turns out that all this Tier bollocks was pointless anyway because more and more cities started to be put into Tier 3 (well the whole of the North basically). Then they started to think that maybe London needed more measures so we stated to think about a National Lockdown – because when Boris says we follow the science he means we follow what is needed for the Capital, because the scientist have been calling for a lockdown for a wee while now haven’t they Bozza. Daily Briefings were replaced with us all watching the televised House of Commons announcements and we all realised that they announced everything there before officially announcing it later, and for the first time ever the phase ‘what time are they speaking in he house’ was often muttered. We also wondered why everything seemed to be leaked to the press, either the Government really need to sort out their guttering or they are using the media to play the public (couldn’t be that could it). Marcus Rashford shamed the Tory’s over their decision to let children starve over the school holidays, well I say shamed them, they obviously defended that decision because it’s not that children don’t matter, it’s just that poor children don’t matter. Rishi became a villan after his strong popularity in series 3 and 4 when it became apparent with his vote against feeding kids that he is in fact still a Tory.
And so we come to the last episode of series 10 – series 11 starting tomorrow. And in true cliff hanger style they’re about to announce a second National Lockdown – which is crap because we all know sequels are never as good.
The only good news about this whole 2020 drama is it’s been confirmed that there will only be another two series. Unless that is we get to the last episode of series 12 and at midnight someone shouts surprise and 2020 starts all over again.